SO I'VE HAD A PRETTY SHITTY TEN WEEKS, DUE TO THE FACT I'VE BEEN SLEEPING A TOTAL OF 2-3 HOURS PER NIGHT.
what's new with me, you ask? well, my non-journal reading fans:
-I am becoming a nocturnal animal according to my doctor. he refuses to give me pills, and is advising me to go to bed at ten, and wake up at seven each morning. my resonse was along the lines of 'HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO GET UP AT SEVEN WHEN I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING FALL ASLEEP TO BEGIN WITH?'
-On top of that, i'm forced to go to volleyball camp at 10 in the morning every day, because my parents want me to make the school team.

i'll be right back.
GOTTA GO TO CAMP. 
i'll edit.

sometimes i hug my pillow and pretend it's you. or look in the mirror and wonder if what you saw in my eyes would satisfy. if i would still need words.
i dream. about meeting you and crying. and crying. and then having it all make sense. like knowing that you saw me cry would prove something that i can't prove to myself.
sometimes i just watch. and wonder if i'm ever going to have that much fun. and it's what i want. and it's what you got. and it's all i want.
and sometimes i dream of meeting you and somehow keeping my composure. and running around a corner and sitting with my head in my hands. and you see the whole thing. and it's familiar. and you tell me that it's fine, and that you know what it's like. and to not feel bad because i'm going to be better in the end, and that no one really knows where the cards are. no one knows that it's going to be alright. but no one knows that it isn't. and then it is.

i don't know where that last part came from. i think i just thought it up one day. but i use it a lot.

i realize that i sould like a huge dumbfuck. a lot.
so don't take half the stuff i post seriously. this is how things are in my mind.
'heavy on my head' is way too fitting for me.
i know. i'm horrified too.

i can't believe i let myself believe you actually saw something in me again.
i wish she never told me that she was 'jealous of me'. wtf.
you got him. happy?
every time she looks at you i want to take back all the things i said on your roof.
way to open me up to vulnerability. to make me feel like i had something that people saw that even i didn't know i had. i had nothing.
you lied. you knew. you could have told me.
oic. thats why. we acted like 'brother and sister'.
well guess what. you don't know about sitting on the jeep.
and how it wasn't akward.
and how he ran in after he saw me at his front door.
am i like a sister?
well guess what.
he'll see it in you.
and guess what else.
i still love him.

and All I Can Think About Is You.
And How All I Think About Is You.
And How You Almost Kissed Me On The Trampoline Yesterday.
And How You Didn't Because Your Friend Was There.
And How We Were "Making Out".
And How We Go On Our Roofs.
And How Awesome You Are Making This Summer.
And How You Dance.
And How Good It Felt Wearing Your Shirt Last Night.
And How We Have A Secret.
And How Your Dimples Look.
And How We Traded Pants.
And How You Almost Snuck Over.
And How Your Knees Aren't Lost.
And How Your Contact Looks On My Phone.
And How You Drank My Root Beer.
And How We Sat On The Top Of The Jeep.
And How Bats Fly When You Throw Rocks At Them.
And How I Wish You Were Throwing Them At My Window Instead.
And How All I Think About Is You.
and All I Can Think About Is You.

being a sidekick sucks.